the P.Pole

Before I start, be warned. I’ve had two ounces of hard liquor today (mixed with tonic water and citrus juices), but I feel pretty coherent. Please do read the following and love me as I am.

Firstly, this will be my third post just today–also the second filed under Emo and Downer.  It has been a long day with a wayward soul.

Secondly, I don’t feel anything except very, very tired. Okay, I’m feeling a little listlessly lamentable too (did you see what I did there?).

Thirdly, I was strangely eager to try Rafael’s gin and tonic along with his (original) almond-liquor sour creations today. They were good, and warming.

Finally, I am listening to the soundtrack from Stardust. …A-a-and now I want to disappear for a week or so.

My knight in shining whatever, if you are to strike, strike soon and with a vengeance! Save me from this villainy and tyranny of gloom! You may not know what to do, but when the moment is right, you will know. May the Spirit be with you even as I cannot. I will now brave the folds of my bedding and hope to escape their clinging, slumber-drenched grasp come the Sun, tomorrow. And as I part, I shall impart some intoxicated wisdom–that I’ve finally learned today, after so long–with you, fairest of readers: “Today will be over before you’ve known it, but tomorrow is forever.”

I ask only for a tomorrow with the Sun, the Moon, and you. You know, the one I’ve been going on about since forever.

See the original post here.

Ah, poetry.

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.W. B. Yeats

When we think of dreams, we often think of our own. Perhaps, of how vain they are, or of how meager. Do we ever think of what role we play in the dreams of others?

Tomorrow morning I will be meeting up with Elaine to head to a Pentecostal church she’s been to once before. I’ve put off searching for a church here in Waterloo this long with a plethora of mediocre excuses such as:

1. But I always go to church when I’m in Toronto!
2. I’ve got a project meeting Sunday morning.
3. Midterms! They’re looming up and I need some time to review.
4. Zzzzz…

And this, this hesitation and apprehension, has gone on long enough! Elaine says this church seems pretty damn okay and she would like if I went with. Fine. But my Toronto church is gonna be jealous, and my group members are going to be pissed. My midterm will be wholly unsatisfied with my performance and… Zzzzz…

In all honesty, I’ve actually put this off since I always figured Jaffray would be the only church homely enough for me. Going to a new church with strangers all around and strange customs is slightly frightening even for someone who’s been to church all their life. I can only imagine… how much worse it would be for the everyday newcomer.

I am wondering whether there will be strange demonstrations of worship at this Pentecostal place. Elaine says there were tongues, but they were interpreted by their own speaker. That’s supposed to be sketchy right? Right?! Forget this! I’m not ready to go churching yet! *pulled kicking and screaming through those heavenly archways*

I once read a book by Charles Swindoll (really, that’s his name) called “Hope Again” and it was about finding/renewing/refreshing one’s hope in God’s promises, most chiefly those directly involving our salvation in person and works of Jesus. I remember very clearly that that book had played quite an important role in the shaping of what I currently know as my faith in Christ.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great High Priest whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free,
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace.

One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!
- Sonicflood, Before the Throne of God Above

This morning, at Sunday service, those words (bolded and most of the unbolded) really stuck out to me. It’s not the first time I’ve seen, heard, or sang those words (I don’t normally sing anyway) but for some reason they stopped me and caught me between breaths, in a manner of speaking. Mighty powerful, the Spirit can be.

Today was good. I don’t exactly think any one message came across too clearly with Matt Gunn’s message “Faces of Hope” but hoping in God through the worst circumstances is sort of the gist of what the passage (with Pastor Matt’s helpful insights and explanations) is about, to the best of my understanding. It was Bible-y analysis (anal-lysis) that was good and learning for me.

Even the weather, rainy and altogether crummy while heading in towards church and suddenly sunny and clear after service, was fallacy pathetic enough for me to throw up my hands in defeat. Quite clearly, G-d (is that more reverent or just silly?) is at work here and was getting some very deep stuff across to me. There will be slow digestion and unpacking of what happened today, but it was something very important and something very necessary. And I thank the Lord and Church Jaffray for the day.

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And if you see me losing ground,
Don’t be afraid to lie.
I know the pain inside my heart
Can’t break the fear inside of yours.
And if you see me losing faith
In what it means to die,
Don’t let me leave before I know
What lies behind the stained glass doors.

Save sorrow for the souls in doubt.
Bleed every care out.

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day?
With your tears of gold and shaking from the weight?
When you lower me down beneath that sky of grey,
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain.

For every word we never spoke,
We have a tear to cry.
For every silence like a wall
Between a better you and I.
So if you see me losing sight
Of all the death in life,
You’ll find the peace in every time
I failed to see the death in mine.

Let all the fear inside you drown.
Tear out the blade and lay it down.
Save sorrow for the souls in doubt.
Bleed every care out.

Oh, the blood is rushing out…
Oh, I’m better off without…
Oh, the walls are closing in…
Oh, sing for me again.

Rain down, oh rain down, no care for the flood.

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day?
With your tears of gold and shaking from the weight?
When you lower me down beneath that sky of grey,
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain.
- Demon Hunter, Carry Me Down

7 dissatisfiers according to Herzberg’s “Two Factor Theory of Motivation”:

• Company Policy and Administration
  This would entail rules, regulations, and their (sometimes) arbitrary enforcement.
• Quality of Supervision
  How good, qualified, trained, knowledgeable, constructive, helpful, and/or competent are the managers and supervisors?
• Interpersonal Relationships
  Dealings with other people either horizontally or vertically in the grand scheme of things.
• Salary
  Not that hard to understand: What do you get for what you put in?
• Working Conditions
  Safety, comfort, cleanliness, etc…
• Status
  Within the group, does your existence make a noticeable difference?
• Security
  Sureness of future situations, circumstances, conditions, etc…

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